Promise (13)

Chapter 12 : Confusion


2nd January 2009, Sunday.
Dear diary,

A new year, with new resolutions - like writing a diary - and new...experiences. I have been thinking and worrying less now. "Enjoy and feel the flow.." Cindy says. Every morning I hang my necklace around my neck before heading to school. Homeworks like essays and projects are enough to keep me busy. I talk to more people now. This guy, Eyrique from Biology, asks me a lot about Emma. I wonder if they will be together. Emma says she doesn't have a 'thing' towards him. But, who knows? I grin a sly grin. Furthermore, Cindy and Cole have been hanging out really frequently - which ends up sometimes leaving Emma and I alone. Or sometimes, leaving me, alone as Emma has been going away almost every weekend for class activities and stuff.

Max? New year means new enrollment. But, Max and I are still in the same classes. However, things are not so bad now when I look at it. Guess I exaggerated a lot earlier. When Cindy and Emma are busy, he will call to see if we can have a pizza and watch movie. Just like what friends do when they hang out. So, I am determine to block every negativity which stands in my way. No more bad thinking. No more sadness. No more - tears... Hmm.. I have to remember to read this page everyday so I won't get confused about how I feel.
It's just a matter of time before I see him - Cedric - again.
Yeah, I haven't forgotten about him. Breathe.

Sydney.

---

"So you free later?" Max asks me on a Monday afternoon in mid January as the last bell rings.
"Er, I have to finish an assignment." I look at him as I reply. His lips form an upside-down curve. I laugh. "Alright then. Hmm. How about, tomorrow? We'll grab something, like..ice-cream."
"Hah! Now you're talking. Okay. See ya tomorrow!" He gives me a pat on my shoulder and strides off like he always does.
"See you tomorrow..." Cindy imitates him as she walks to me.
"What?" I ask nonchalantly but continue, "Any updates?"
"Cole and I are going indoor rock-climbing this Saturday. Wanna join?"
"You know you don't want me there."
"Aww, come on. I'm not that bad. I'm thinking of sacrificing romance once for my dear Sydney and Emma. But I asked her. She can't make it. So, you?"
"Nah. Rock-climbing...Not my favourite."
"Hmm. You sure?" She asks again.
"Yes, I'm pretty sure, Cindy. Now, you may go because I think it's Cole there waiting for you." I point towards the guy in black at the other end of the corridor. She waves at him.
"Oh, okay. Love you. Bye!" Cindy says to me.
"Bye."

I sit at my table as I scribble a list of things to do this week - the last week before February comes knocking on my door, maybe even window. Almost nothing besides homework. I sigh. Can anybody's life be more boring? Then my phone rings.
"Hello."
"Hey, Max. Wassup?"
"Hmm, can I ask you out for dinner tonight?"
I think for three seconds. "Yeah, sure."
"I'll pick you up at six."
"Alright."
I look at the time. Four. What shall I do now? Just then a new email pops out from the bottom of the screen of my dad's laptop. It is his but I use it more than he does. Convenient laptop... Technology nowadays..

I click the email open. A sudden flash of shock is sent across the screen to my body, sending an electric wave into my spine, as I read the words in front of my widely-opened eyes, framed with serious eye bags, muttering them under my small, helpless breath.

To: Sydney
From: Cedric

Hey, Syd.

It has been four months. I am sorry I didn't reply any of your mails earlier. Things were tough when I just got here and I needed time. I'm in New Zealand. Will contact you again, soon. Bye.
Love, Cedric.

I'm not scared, seeing the words - 'four months'. I'm not touched either, seeing the words - 'I am sorry'. Neither am I understanding, reading 'I needed time'. I am just - fuming, with rage. No longer explanations after those months of sudden disappearing? No other information, apart from his stupid location? 'Will contact you again, soon'. Who am I? I feel like cursing him, but I can't. So I just close the message and shut down the laptop. End of story. Well, not so. I reach for my phone again. It shows fifteen minutes past four. I look for the number at the 'received calls' and hit the call button.
"Hey, Max. I'm not feeling really well. It's a sudden thing.. Sorry, I can't go out tonight. I'm really, truely sorry. Maybe we'll hang out some other day." My heart is hurting, not only for Cedric, but also for Max. He has been so nice and sweet towards me. I don't deserve a friend like him. I feel awful, rejecting his offer just because of one stupid email from a....person.
"You're not well? I can make a visit for a lil' while--"
"No, it's alright. I just need some sleep, that's all. I call you again then. Bye, Max." And I end the line. I am so confused.

Confused. Confused.

--

26th January 2009, Wednesday.
Dear diary,

Aren't I handling things well recently? Why does my heart seem to fail me, my plans, and my life? Why? Just when I start to see flowers and butterflies and blue skies again. And melting snow and yellow umbrellas and rocky sand. Argh, I'm crapping. I need a nap.

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